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diminished abyss :proofread: by ~phillGH:iconphillGH:



the diminshed abyss


the piano keys are playing yet no one is at the chair
crawling the halls is a man of button-eyes and wool hair
the sound draws the broken man near
he throws open the door yet there is no fear

the hands on the clock keep turning
yet somehow the fire keeps burning
walking the halls he degrades into time
ruining the place with his satin-belted prime

and so the stone killed the rat
and the destroyer laughed and grew fat
yet it's love that killed him
he has no one to call his little 'slim'
no one knew and no thought
his head is stuffed and lies and moths

and the stumps and the bumps that he once called his limbs
with the gash in his neck are all filled with our sins
he walks his near last steps but only for the first time
he's gone and consists  of filthy slime

the blood on the walls has now grown cold
and the time he's been walking is labelled old
he's sand, for yet the second time around
after the kings and queens have all been uncrowned

and so the button-eyed freak no longer walks this place too
but his sons and daughters do,they look the same standing six feet two
the blood on the walls is now just a stain
the sons and daughters of the 'gash-necked brain'


only for them do the lights start to flicker, then shut off
there's no hope now the world still hasn't grown soft
and so while we hear them pound at the doors
this is the thing that got them here, this is war
©2008-2009 ~phillGH
:iconphillgh:

Author's Comments

i reposted this just for the writers workshop ( i'm that desperate for critiscim)
answers to questions needed

1.I generally don't punctuate my poetry that much because i don't find it really that important to punctuate in a poem however, if it is needed to change the mood i will include a comma or something, and i do use quotation marks

2. I can't really say there were i used the commas and quotations when needed

3.like everything i write this was made up on the spot i just sit down and start typing and don't stop until i finish

4.I was going for a creepy effect my inspiration were those zombie movies where there are zombies in the halls of a hospital or something, and all of a sudden the lights go off....i tried to make it creepy and disturbing

Comments


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:iconcyberphantom:
Now you see, creepy and disturbing I didn't get. I got this feel of a kind of epic passing of the time, but the rhyming feels a little forced, and that for me detracted from the enjoyment.

--
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss
:icongrimeden:
Proper grammar might help the pacing of this piece. If you keep it sparse to none, I'd cut those commas.

The few commas you use illustrate the run-on or stream of the lines. There aren't a lot of pauses mid-line, so it becomes natural to pause at the end with the rhyme. When you add in a grammatically confusing comma, it breaks the movement most of the piece forces.

If you add grammar throughout (periods, commas, colons, and caps) I could see you being able to justify unusual stopping points. The prosaic style and narrative without proper punctuation is a little hard for me to see as beneficial. I definitely wouldn't end-stop every line with punctuation; however, if you rewrote the poem in a prose paragraph and punctuated it, then broke it back into quatrains, the result could be a smoother piece.

Then again, your form forces a set pacing, and even with full grammar, it would still read with that flow. ... So, I suspect, no grammar is a better path to follow.

It would be great to see a lot of the conjunctions lifted from the piece - primarily those that start lines. Most of them aren't needed to continue your image, and they seem to hamper the movement.

It's a nice piece. I hope you get it to where you want it.

--
~D
:iconphillgh:
great, thanks a lot for taking the time to review it, it means a lot to me!I hope you do reviews in the future?

--
hello...

i'm a writer

i suck
:iconphillgh:
alright thanks, the main thing is lately i've been having trouble taking anything i write seriously so i find hat if i don't ryhme...it's just not...good.Everything i've written ryhmed so i might try to make one that doesn't.

Thanks for your help!

--
hello...

i'm a writer

i suck
:iconcyberphantom:
Fair enough. Looking forward to seeing more of yours...

--
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss
:icon11blackroses:
hi phil.
i have no critisim because im not poetic in the least.
im more of a short story person
:D
lol
good work :)

--
"Here's the thing. . .I've already gone crazy once. I know what my limits are."
— Bella Swan
:iconveronikernes:
oi.
good piece.
just sayin.

--
WWHRD?

METAL UP YOUR ASS!

Where is your god now?
:iconphillgh:
woah, thanks for all the favorites and the watch, it means a lot!

--
hello...

i'm a writer

i suck
:iconveronikernes:
no problem! XD

--
WWHRD?

METAL UP YOUR ASS!

Where is your god now?

Details

November 7, 2008
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